School was hard for me. Being an only child I always felt lonely. It was hard to share friends. I always felt that maybe my friends preferred other friends over me. I felt easily rejected. Growing older I started feeling depressed and the rejection feelings intensified. So for over 40 years I have been depressed and 30 of them I have been treated for depression.
Next up was the marriage years and then the kids. I have three wonderful kids but with each birth the baby blues got worse and by default the depression. At 43 I had my little miracle, the last of my children. After her birth the depression just kept getting worse. That was until I finally had to be hospitalised for severe depression. I’m not going to get into the hospitalisations detail, but what I will say is that I was in hospital 3 times and out of desperation I underwent shock therapy seeing no other way to get better.
I came home and a part of my life was gone. I still have blanks in my memory. After all this I just did not feel good yet. I was on a grocery bag of medicine, from Anti-depressants to anti psychotics, Epilepsy medicine to mood stabilisers. Huge dosages. Still I just could not really feel good. My psychiatrist gave me ADD medication. It was sort of a last resort I think, and within 2 days my life changed. I started doing things and getting things done. The procrastination got better. The useless feeling became more manageable.
Suddenly I saw myself for the first time. All the things I felt about myself started making sense. I always thought I was just a difficult person like my father. I’m pretty sure I am, but now my reactions to situations made sense.
Relationships is probably the hardest thing for me. I feel easily rejected and judge myself very harshly. I always feel like I’ve over shared and then I feel judged because of it.
So now we get to the point. Why a blog?
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I decided I need to get them out. Saying what I think also gives me closure. So, if you want, get on board, and enjoy the ride.
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